I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
