Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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