party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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