There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
