i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
