i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
