You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
