Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
