RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
