so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
