ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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