apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
