My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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