My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
