I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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