Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
