I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
