why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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