i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
