Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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