i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
