That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
