woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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