Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
