I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
