i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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