Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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