it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
