i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
