and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
why do cheetos always look like penises
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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