I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
