even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
