Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
