If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
