fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
