He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
