I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
