so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
