You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
