Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
