if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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