If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
false alarm. still invincible.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
