he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
3pm strippers are depressing
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
