How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
