But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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