Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
