Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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