Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
