she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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