They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
