she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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