I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
