i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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