Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
