I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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